How to Talk About Aged Care With Your Parents 

1. The problem 

Your parents need to see and understand that things aren’t ok as they are and that, without help, they could get worse. 

2. The solution 

Your parents need to see that there is likely a solution that isn’t as bad as they think it is. 

Consider Why You Think Your Parents Need Support

Before you start the conversation, consider the signs you've seen that have led you to think that your parents need some additional support. 

Often, people enter aged care because of an injury or because their mind or memory isn't what it used to be. It's important to remember that being proactive about aged care or in-home support can be the difference between a smooth transition and a stressful one. 

Signs Your Parents Need Additional Support 

While there are many signs that your parents need additional help, some common ones include:

• Missed social events
• Confusion and wandering 
• Changes in mood
• Shortness of breath while moving around the house
• Frequent falls or evidence of falls (e.g. scrapes or bruises)
• Skipped meals or changes to appetite
• Frequently expiring groceries
• Difficulty in paying bills and managing finances
• Mixed up or missed medications
• Requests for more support than usual
• An overflowing laundry basket
• A messy garden 
• Chores left undone

By thinking about the reasons that you're suggesting aged care for your parents, you will give yourself the confidence to know if your parents actually need care. 

Do Your Research

Understand what services are available for your parents and confirm if aged care is the right solution for their needs. 

It helps to identify what your parents value the most so you can tailor support options to their needs. For instance, if they value cooking their favourite meals or staying independent, consider whether home care services would address their needs better than aged care.

Explain How You (And Others) Are Feeling

While it may feel selfish, you need to voice how the current situation is affecting you and the rest of the family. Without voicing how you feel, your parents might believe that everything is fine and can remain as is. 

You can do this by not only expressing how you're feeling, but also your family, kids, grandkids and health professionals concern too.

Reminder: while this guide is aimed at people who are approaching an aged care conversation, extra support doesn't always mean aged care! There are many options available that help support people in their homes and in the community such as home care. 

How To Suggest A Solution

The reality is, if you're considering aged care for your parents, it's because you love them and want the best for them. Despite that, it can still feel as though you're letting them down. Ensuring you approach the conversation from a place of love and support can help parents accept the need for additional care quicker. 

We often find that people's negative perception of aged care can be the reason for resistance to accepting additional care or change. But the truth is, aged care is very flexible and accommodation. It helps to remind your parents that:

• In aged care, you have your own room and ensuite;
• You can get out of bed when you want to;
• You choose what you want to do and when;
• You're not stuck in the corner or isolated;
• Often, you'll feel it's more like a hotel than a hospital, with full catering, laundry and cleaning;
• There's usually gardening that needs doing;
• There's usually a walking group for those who like the outdoors;
• Or book clubs for people who like to stay inside;
• There's live music and people to enjoy it with;
• Meals are regular and healthy;
• There's the chance to meet new and like-minded people;
• And if you're afraid of being there permanently, there's options to trial it first through respite care! 

Additional Tips

Start The Conversation Early

Planning ahead can reduce unnecessary stress during the transition to aged care period. Talking about your parent's preferences and understanding their priorities before an accident or the need to move appears will help guide future conversations around the need for a change to care. 

Ask, Don't Tell

When bringing up aged care with your parents, using open-ended questions will give your parents a sense of control over the situation, rather than feeling pressured or told what their next chapter is. Some questions you might ask are:

• Have you thought about what you'd want if everyday tasks get harder?
• What are your non-negotiables for accommodation if you need to move one day? (e.g. garden views, close to family, near the beach)
• What would make you feel more confident and comfortable in the years ahead?
• What helps you feel independent and in control of your life? 
• What activities or routines are most important for you? 

Pick The Right Setting

Choose a quiet, private, and relaxed setting to bring up aged care options with your parents. Ensuring everyone isn't stressed or tired will also help the conversation flow smoothly. 

Focus On Autonomy

Emphasise with your parents that aged care is about gaining support, safety and freedom from chores, not losing control. 

Remember that the decision to enter an aged care home is not a reflection of your parents' independence or ability to care for themselves. It's purely a decision that prioritises their health and wellbeing. 

Learn From Other People's Experiences

We've asked for advice from people in our community about having these conversations with their parents. Cathy talked to us about those initial conversations she had with her parents and when she knew that she wasn’t coping with their care:

We also spoke to Margot, a resident at St Vincent's Corinda, about her experience:

Valerie spoke to us about her experience after her mother moved into St Vincent's care:

The reality is, a conversation on aged care (or any conversation) rarely goes by a script, but the best thing you can do for yourself (and your parents) is be prepared. That’s the best way to talk about aged care. 

Still have questions?